They don’t make Olympic video games like they used to – which might be for the best

The Olympic Games have kicked off. Torched off? Started? Whatever. Athletes will battle for medals and honour, their escapades making heads spin as we mere mortals watch. And we’ll also be watching the Phryges, wondering how 1990s platform game rejects managed to get a plush gig as mascots at the world’s biggest sporting event. All while glumly realising that Olympic video games are the only way we can get involved ourselves. (Believe me: you win no friends rocking up at a 100m final, wearing giant underpants emblazoned in your flag, confidently yelling “I got this!”)

But which one? Having not played an Olympics video game in years, I tried the latest. Bad decision. Because, as befits modern gaming trends, that’s mobile title Olympics Go! Paris 2024. And, yes, it’s every bit as awful as you imagine.

1GB of download later, you’re faced with the most blandly inoffensive game possible, bereft of personality and pleasure. In the 100m, you tap – only not too quickly, because that might be fun. Then there’s what the game calls ‘fencing (sword)’. Just in case you thought it meant ‘fencing (erecting a perimeter around your garden)’. That one’s a 2D rhythm action game, with no rhythm. And barely any game.

A Phryge to make money

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The Phryges then introduce a shop – and you know what’s coming. Disposable IAPs, all the way up to 100 bucks. These net you gems, which you turn into ‘fan points’. You then convert those into energy to train athletes and win events. Elsewhere, you erect buildings to generate income at venues and earn yet more gems, like an Olympic video game take on Theme Park, as designed by a sociopath. I guess those Phyrges need to make their money somehow.

What’s frustrating isn’t the damning mediocrity and blatant monetisation. It’s that Olympics Go! Paris 2024 contains hints of games I once loved. It’s like the creators have fond memories of old-school Olympic video games, but didn’t understand what made them fun – or didn’t care, because money. So you see glimpses of the delicate precision gameplay from Epyx’s Summer Games and Summer Games II, and hints of the raw physicality found in Konami’s Hyper Sports and Track & Field, and home console/micro equivalents (The Activision) Decathlon and Daley Thompson’s Decathlon.

Decathlon – and on and on

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Then I remembered those Epyx titles were painfully slow multi-loads. Minutes would pass. You’d pray the cassette wouldn’t be eaten and your 8-bit micro wouldn’t crash. All for a precious few seconds lobbing a giant stick. And those decathlon games evilly unleashed four-minute sessions of waggling hell, as you tested the durability of your joystick – and one of your own arms – while taking on the 1500m.

Yet they were a high point – and fun. Since then, it’s been button mashers all the way down. They’ve ramped up the cash-in and eroded the personality. All that’s left now is dull rubbish. Well, ignoring Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games, which, if I’m being brutally honest, isn’t an entirely accurate reflection of the sporting action you’re likely to see on the telly.

That said, when directed towards said telly by my daughter for a session on the Switch, it dawned on me that Olympics Go! Paris 2024 isn’t the modern equivalent to those classic Olympic video games after all. I realised, with horror, that’s actually Nintendo Switch Sports. If the creators of Track & Field or Decathlon had their way, we’d have Joy-Cons strapped to our arms and feet, as we painfully flailed around for four solid minutes, only to yomp in last in the 1500m and collapse in a heap.

So they really don’t make Olympic video games like they used to. But perhaps that’s just as well.

• Now read: Top tech to make the most of the Paris 2024 Olympics